how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
