eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
