I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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