I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
