Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize