I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
