I will die if light touches me.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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