You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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