in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
as a side note pls kill me
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