She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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