yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
