i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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