How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
