We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I think we might need a safe word for this...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
