my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
