I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
