i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
