Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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