I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Send help, water and tortillas.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
