you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
