Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
