How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
