my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
