He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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