was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
