He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
