i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
