She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize