At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
