I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
