What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There's always time for handjobs
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
