Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
