I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
