Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I got inside last night via doggy door
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
