Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
