you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You smell like a Billy Joel song
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
