There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
