Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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