my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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