We named our party play list daddy issues
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
