I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
