I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
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