Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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