u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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