my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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