I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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