Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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