dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
