I'm so fucking centered right now
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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