I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
