party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
