The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
