I wish my penis had an off switch
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
