whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize