i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
drinking out of a sandbucket again
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
