sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
