I want to make a zoo with you.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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