I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
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