rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
