Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
