my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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