my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
