Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
