you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
