Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize