I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
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