I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I need moral support for this bender
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
