You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
