You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
