I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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