the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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