I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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