Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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